DEAR AUTONOMOUS BIOTRONIC BEHAVIOR IMPROVEMENT ENGINE

 Dear ABBIE,
I'm currently involved in a risky enterprise with two exciting men. Our circumstances often confine us to very close quarters and romantic attraction is starting to blossom. Even though the first man is not very tall, he is as warm and compassionate as a woman could wish for. I've never met a man with such forceful empathy, I'm certain he would sacrifice his life for me. He's also very cute and I feel as close to him as a sister. He's really just a bucolic farm boy but he seems to be driven by some strange empirical com- pulsion to achieve the impossible. My senses tell me not to take our relationship to the next stage.
The second man is very conceited, mercenary, ill-mannered and scruffy. Normally I would just give him the brush off but he is as handsome as a famous movie star. You only meet a man this gorgeous once in a millennium and the passion I feel for him is over- whelming. However, I'm quite wealthy and I'm afraid he's only after my money. Even though I'm a modern sophisticated woman, I fear that my desire will tempt me into reverting to an old-fashioned, idol worshipping princess.
Then I met a former associate of the second man. He was so elegantly refined and gallantly chivalrous, I couldn't help but be im- pressed. It was refreshing not to be troubled by the baggage of the other two. However I covered up my attraction by pretending to be repelled by his unctuousness. The four of us are irrevocably bound to each other and whatever choice I might could blast our relationship into atoms. I don't know what to do and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Please help me ABBIE-Wan, I need some fatherly advice.
Desperately Lost In Space

Dear Spaced: Romantic triangles are always difficult situations but a love trapezoid is absurd. It's so silly, it's something only a bad screenwriter would dream up. The best advice for you is to simply wait before making any irrevocable decisions. Do not attempt to rescue the situation by yourself, this will only choke off any corpulent options and freeze the situation into immobility. In all probabilitiy, revelatory enlightenment will arrive at some point and this will allow you to empirically eliminate an unspeakable hindrance. Then a more dramatic choice will magically appear. You will know when the time is right!

Dear ABBIE,
I'm a little rusty at this sort of thing but I'm in such urgent need of help, I'm willing to try anything. After many years of sedentary reclusive existence, I recently joined a musical quartet. We travel to many exotic places and greatly enjoy spontaneously per- forming our repertoire. The female lead singer is very talented and vivacious and I'm highly attracted to her. Unfortunately, I accidentally became addicted to opium and I haven't the heart to tell her of my affection or my affliction. It makes me feel like such a little dog too.
The other two male members of our group adore her the same way I do but one is a brainless twit and the other is a sniveling coward. The nerve of these little people! They are heartless tinhorns without the soul to recognize the charm of a lush orchard or the enchantment of beautiful flowers. As we hopefully journey the rocky road to stardom, I while away the hours contem- plating my predicament. Somehow I must break my drug dependence. If I admitted the truth, I'm sure I'd be axed from the group.
Candid in Candyland

Dear Candid: You've obviously never heard of the amazing thaumaturgical effect of the "Water Cure" for opiate addiction. Simply drink a bucket of water per day and your dependence will rapidly melt away by ozmosis! However you must be sure to exercise continuously or your joints will have a tendency to seize up. If this occurs, an application of WD-40 and a ball peen hammer is indicated. Stop flying around like a monkey, funnel your determination into defeating this wicked curse. After you have solved this problem, your restored heart will help you resolve your feelings for your co-star.

Dear ABBIE,
I'm a pretty typical female teenager but I suffer from a genetically inherited deformity that most people find repulsive. However, I met a very macho boy with lots of animal magnetism who doesn't seem to mind my strange appearance. He is very attracted to me and we get along magnificently. The problem is my parents are hidebound traditionalists that won't accept modern American relationships. They are highly educated emigrants with very peculiar habits from rural. . . France. They keep threatening to move to a different city or even to send me to France if I don't break it off with him. I don't want to lose the only boyfriend I've ever had or move to another city again and I am definitely not going to France!
Infundibular in Jersey

Dear Fundy: This is a common problem for teenagers, balancing what seems appropriate behavior to you with the wishes of your more orthodox parents. While it might be frustrating to reduce the height of your feelings for your beau, it is basic to maintain proportions with your parents. Try to form a predetermined radius with which all sides can be congruent. In any event, you should try to bring the matter to a final point. However, you need to be careful not to lean too far in either direction, you might tip over!

Dear ABBIE,
I'm in a world of trouble! Ever since I met a crazy old coot who thinks he's a scientist, very weird things have been happening. Teenage punks beat me up, I wrecked my car, my girlfriend has disappeared, my parents' marriage is breaking up, a bear tried to eat me, Arab terrorists are chasing me, my own mother tried to seduce me and my stepfather tried to shoot me! I feel like a plutonium-fueled locomotive run amok. I'm so tired of the twists and high speed turns my life has taken that I want to change history just so I can get some sleep. What can I do to get past all these paradoxes?
Future Shocked

Dear Shocked: Great Scott! If this influx of problems is due to your involvement with this deranged man, then for goodness sakes end your association immediately by any means! You're skating way too close to the edge of a cliff to follow this continuum any longer. Stop hovering in midair! Do whatever is necessary - switch tracks on this cracked egghead and maroon him, erasing all connections between you. Don't hesitate, do it today! Or yesterday at the latest.

Dear ABBIE,
I am currently mired in a diabolical trap of quicksand with no foreseeable way out. I married the charismatic leader of a despotic regime but it was a loveless pact that was arranged for purely political reasons. He is devoutly dedicated to his pagan mistress who has born his two children. I thought I could monitor my emotions and control this difficult situation; however, my in-laws never trusted me and my family considers me a traitor. Both sides think I'm only a witch trying to improve my own position. I have to be very wary of both strangers and cohorts, I never know when one of them might attempt an act of revenge.
But over past few years, I've come to realize my husband isn't as blindly brutish as he seemed. In fact, he may be truly visionary. I've developed a strong attraction for him and now support his policies wholeheartedly. I know conceiving a child isn't the solution to these problems but I can't help feeling this is my only choice. My husband feels pity for my plight but I'm sure he will never yield to my protestations. I wish I could worm my way out of this impasse but all I can do is watch this drama play out and complain about it in my diary. I desperately need some advice to spice up my life.
Deserted in an Arid Melange á Trois

Dear Deserted: I am always stunned by the monstrously twisted paths that people can formulate for themselves. Ritualistic palace intrigues are the most enduring of mankind's attempts to control the course of events and you have been royally ensnared in a golden paradigm. Nevertheless, your situation is still suitable for resolution. If your husband's mistress has been a superior mother for his heirs, you must acknowledge this fact and bow to its inevitability. Don't try any fanatical crusade or exodus, this would only complicate the problem. Search your buried memories for lucidity, accept the natural succession of events with prescience and let your soul evolve like free men should. This is the only method to escape the weirdly messianic challenge you've been enfolded within.

Dear ABBIE,
I'm seventeen years old and attend an exclusive English academy for special students. The demanding course schedule on com- plex arcane subjects has resulted in several very trying, stressful years for me. Moreover, my relations with my female classmates have not been the smoothest. I sincerely wish I could have a nice normal relationship with one of them but some calamitous mystery always comes between us before anything can develop. It's been a very depressing, burdensome experience.
Then at a school function, I met the mother of a classmate. She was an attractive, charming and very gracious woman. However, she was much older than me. So I was caught completely by surprise when she began to make sexually suggestive insinuations such as how stout my broomstick was and would I like to go for a ride on her carousel. I was embarrassed and tried to excuse myself but suddenly I found myself thoroughly mesmerized by this woman. My mind was a complete whirlwind, I wanted to do anything she asked and I couldn't stop worrying that I would do something stupid that would upset her. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her ever since, not even for a second!
She has bewitched me and I think I know how she did it. We were drinking tea and she asked me if I wanted a spoonful of sugar. I feel like a young school-boy being taken advantage of by his forty year old nanny. The worse part is, I'm loving every minute of it! I consulted with several specialists but they haven't been able to do anything to counteract this riddle. I feel like I shall be in thrall for the rest of my life.
Lost 'n' Amazed in Scotland

Dear Amazed: You're no longer sixteen, so it's time to give up childish things like kittens playing with string. Seventeen is the age when you are the most alive. Ignore the minor hills of infatuation, they are temporary impediments but always keep a song in your heart when climbing love's mountains and fording life's streams. The type of demented relationship you describe is chickenfeed for supercaliber birds. If you don't make this affair disappear immediately, you will be permanently scarred by a lightning bolt of serious magnitude. The most important principle of life is to marry that one hallowed person who can always resurrect your re- lationship like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Don't let the dark sorcery of this venomous woman drag on a moment longer.
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