EXTRATERRESTRIAL ETIQUETTE QUIZ

1. When encountering a new alien species for the first time, you should refer to yourself as:
A) Homo sapiens
B) Hetero sapiens
C) Semi sapiens
D) None of the above

2. If "invited" aboard a strange alien spacecraft, you should:
A) not press the large red button unless you are a very big fan of "The X-Files"
B) decline to sample the visually arresting and still mobile canapés
C) wear a titanium chastity belt regardless of gender
D) all of the above

3. When an unknown alien is attempting to make friends with you, you should:
A) avoid mentioning ugly green warts
B) swallow heavily and close your eyes, then go ahead and shake the proffered protuberance regardless of its appearance
C) lie to it about your revulsion to "things" before politely running away
D) compliment it on its Eau de Uranus cologne

4. When hosting a dinner party for alien guests, you should:
A) inform them that the can of insect repellant is not breath freshener
B) patiently explain that forks are not ritual instruments of human mate acquisition
C) demonstrate the relative functions of sinks, toilets and dish washers
D) provide them with detailed directions to your house in - uh - Paramus NJ

5. If your mysterious blind date turns out to be an extremely unattractive alien creature, you should:
A) explain that Earth tradition dictates that it wear a blindfold hastily constructed from 20 rolls of duct tape
B) inform it that you're very sorry but your "roommate" had to go to the hospital for an emergency lobotomy
C) use the duct tape on yourself
D) introduce it to your chaperon, Kalashnikov

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