ORC DRAUGHT BANNED BY ISOC
LUCERNE Switz. (AP) ISOC President Jocke Roguey announced today
that by unanimous vote, the ISOC drug review board has banned the use of
performance enhancing "orc draught" lichor. Roguey cited the extra-vagant
records set at the Beijing Olympics in track, swimming, cycling and the
marathon as the major reason for the ban. Orc draught is a concentrated
derivative of the rapid-growth culture medium in which Uruk-hai are hatched.
Chemical analysis has determined that the controversial substance contains
massive quantities of Echinacea (epinephrine), spider corticosteroids,
nicotiana sucrose, caffeine, 180-proof grain alcohol, OGH and gunpowder. It is
also composed of several other highly unsavory ingredients such as raven's
blood and raw puréed warg liver. A urinalysis test has been developed that
employs a philter made of athelas.|
"Orc draught is definitely toxic to humans in the long term," explained Dr. Sanjay Guphed, chief medical advisor for the ISOC review board. "Although its only deleterious effect on orcs is homicidal drunkenness, usage by humans can entail acromegalic cryptorchidosis, cirrerhotic psoriasis, cognitive diverticulosis and idiopathetic throbitis. There is also the danger of contracting mastodonic bilharzia, stinking maggoty halitosis and aerobic catarrh," stated Guphed. "The review board has established the penalty of lifetime suspension for any athlete testing positive for obvious reasons," he added.