New York NY (AP) Football fans everywhere were stunned yesterday when the
Washington Redskins selected unknown free agent Harry "Sasquatch" Henderson
with the ninth overall pick in the first round. Commissioner Rubbert Goodsell was
so taken aback, he started to mutely turn in circles. Not a single draft forecaster
had even heard of Sasquatch - Henderson, much less tabbed him as a high first
rounder. At 7 foot 3 inches and 426 pounds, it seems impossible that no NFL
scout noticed his athletic potential.
Sasquatch is the adopted son of George and Nancy Henderson of Seattle, WA.
They accidentally discovered Harry when they ran him over with their car deep in
Snoqualmie National Forest seventy miles east of Seattle. Though stunned by the
collision, Henderson wasn’t injured in the least. The car however was seriously
damaged. Harry’s adaptation to human society was a constant comedy of errors
for the Henderson family. However it immediately became apparent that he was
fascinated by the game of football on TV. George Henderson revealed that this
attraction may be due to Harry’s amazing ability to run down and capture deer
barehanded for fun. He also enjoys watching "King Kong" and Ronald Reagan’s
“Bonzo” films.
Washington GM Alan George Jr. revealed that the Redskins were tipped off by a
Seattle garbage collector whose truck had become wedged on a curb. Harry lifted
it off quite easily. When asked if he expected to be drafted, Henderson only mut-
tered “Grrrmmpf.” Head coach Mack Shamaham is highly excited by the prospect
of having Sasquatch play defensive end, tackle and linebacker all at the same time
this coming season. “We can add an extra linebacker and free safety!” chortled
Shamaham. Fred Dienst, equipment manager for the Redskins, noted that the un-
usual size of Sasquatch's feet will require custom-made cleats, to say nothing of
shoulder pads, helmet, gloves, uniform and other traditional football gear. Wash-
ington linebacker Byron Akrappo has already nicknamed him "Big Hands AND
Big Feet." Team nutritionist Ernestine Gorgonzolla remarked that Henderson’s
diet of vast quantities of goldfish, birch tree leaves and sugar cubes presents some
problems. Another may be Sasquatch’s atypical aroma, his presence in confined
spaces like hotel rooms, aircraft cabins and locker rooms has led to disturbing
reactions. Redskins VP in charge of transportation Don Snydley (SEE DRAFT F3)


  Dallas TX (AP) Citing medical advice from his personal physician, Dallas quarter-
back Tony Romo announced his immediate retirement from pro football today. In
a very brief statement, Romo explained that the side effects from two concussions
he sustained last year will make it impossible for him to continue playing for the
Cowboys. By voluntarily retiring, Romo will not be eligible to receive any money
from the long term contract he renegotiated two years ago. The total amount of the
contract is unknown but it is speculated to be in the $22 million range.
When asked if Washington’s surprise draft pick had anything to do with his deci-
sion, Romo declined to answer. With no viable prospects at the back-up quarter-
back position, the Cowboys are in danger of missing the post-season again. Head
coach Mason Garrote refused to speculate on the situation. Dallas owner Barry
Bones has checked into Mt. Banke Hospital for unspecified reasons and could not
be reached for comment. Redskins fans were heard outside the hospital chanting
"Romo, Romo, wherefore art thou Romo?”