THE FIFTEEN UNMISTAKABLE SYMPTOMS OF TREKINOSIS

  1. You are a graduate of Star Fleet Academy, Class of '68. Your first assignment was shuttle pilot on the Seven-Eleven run.
  2. While watching "A Streetcar Named Desire" through your multi-spectrum prosthetic visor, you keep telling Stella to shut up.
  3. Your favorite game is Seven of Nine card stud and your favorite song is "When the Kazons Go Rolling Along."
  4. You ruefully catch yourself saying "Energize!" every time you flush - but then you remember that this is just standard Star Fleet medical procedure.
  5. Your "son" is named Barclay and your "daughter" is named T'Pring. They don't talk much. You can't remember their mother's name but you think it came from Unimatrix One. You're pretty sure there's a mugatu named Butler hiding behind the sofa.
  6. When you want to borrow the quantum phase inhibitor from the Ferengi downstairs, you say to him "Zetar, his arms open wide."
  7. You convince a bunch of Hirogen Hunters at the YMCA to form a Pareesi Squares league. You finish in last place with two broken vertebras.
  8. You make homemade Bajoran jumja sticks using warp coil coolant from your decommissioned car's radiator. You demand payment in quatloos when you try to peddle them on the Promenade Deck. You get into a convoluted legalistic argument with an ugly Sheliak about inorganic, anti-biological ingredients and it punches you in the stomach for no reason.
  9. You faithfully pray to Kahless every day and finally He answers! He tells you to buy Brunt Industries at 67 and 1/2. You make a fortune in quatloos.
  10. You hire a hologrammic surgeon to graft your index finger to your middle finger and your ring finger to your pinkie- sorry but the ears will just have to wait. And the Doctor won't accept quatloos either, dammit! They're breeding at an alarming rate. Pretty soon you'll be hip deep in them!
  11. You get angry at the stinking Klingon bus driver because he won't sell you a first class ticket to Risa, so you vaporize him with a disruptor you cobbled together from a positronic cigarette lighter and a pack of Andorian chewing gum.
  12. After hijacking the Greyhound Bird of Prey, you attempt a Colvoid Starburst maneuver while doing ninety on the freeway. You are not surprised by the results.
  13. When the Security Team arrives, you try to resist them because they are Not Of The Body. Somehow they are immune to the neckpinch. Curious.
  14. When the psychiatrist asks you what the problem is, you only reply "Bonk, bonk on the head! No more blah blah blah!"
  15. You escape from the jail cell by liquefying and flowing between the bars. For the rest of your infinite existence, you refuse to eat anything except Earl Grey tube grubs on a bed of fricasseed leola root with just a dash of yamok sauce, served in a silicon nodule by The Companion. You are very, very happy together in the Great Link. Except of course for all those damned quatloos, they're getting pretty deep again.

RETURN TO TABLE OF CONTENTS